Heebie Jeebies

I woke up this morning and begin my daily ritual (brush teeth, comb hair, wash face). I was drying my face on the towel hanging next to me, and as I stepped back I immediately noticed something crawling across said towel. Let me first point out that the creature calling my towel "home" had to be big enough for me to see without my glasses (read: I can't see a thing without them). This rather large, brown, furry spider, which was now scurrying for its life - was quickly deposited into the toilet and flushed (sorry buddy, under different circumstances you might have been spared) and my towel was tossed into the dirty clothes hamper--I dunno maybe I thought I was going to get spider cooties or something. It's now going on 2:00 p.m. and my skin is STILL crawling. That's just not a cool way to start your day!

I GOT MY MINI

No, I'm not talking about a new skirt, or a feminine hygiene product. I'm talking about my new car! My British Racing Green Metallic Mini Cooper. Those of you that know me, know I've loved this car from afar for quite a long time. When they came out with the new ones it pushed any thoughts of a VW convertible right out the window. And you don't even want to know how much digging I had to do to find one that had everything I wanted on it. As it was, I was totally into getting a red one with white bonnet stripes, but none of them had the prerequisite Black leather interior, Dual Panel Sun roof, Harman Kardon CD/Stereo, 5 Star Silver Alloy Rims, chrome accents, sport package, etc. So I located one in Alabama that had everything but for the bonnet stripes and it was green. I thought about it for a while, contemplated getting it painted, and then by the time I ordered I had fallen in love with the green. (See, sometimes these things work this way for a reason). Waiting for it to be delivered was a form of torture. I got the call yesterday, while I was busy cleaning out the garage (to make room of course) and picked it up last night. Thus ends my update... I gotta go drive!

Today's UA Index is Down
I've started this new rating scale regarding the unwanted attention us gals tend to receive when we would generally rather be left alone. An example would be, while we're out walking, getting exercise with the added benefit of trying to clear our heads of whatever might be troubling us. (In other words, a time in which we certainly don't find the cat calls and thought interrupting horn beeps endearing.)

Yesterdays UA index was fairly high with four honks and a holler --which we attempted to combat with one obscene finger gesture. Thankfully the caution was slightly dropped today with a dip in the UA to 2/1 (That's two honks and one holler). Great day to get out there and enjoy, ladies.

I curse every day that I have to walk on a busy street to get some exercise. I also look forward to the day when the entire construction crew down the street finishes those freaking condos!

Door to Door Kirbys?

Did you know that they still sell vacuums door-to-door? I had no idea! I was a little stunned when this obviously tired and overworked woman showed up at my door at 9:00 at night telling me she'd get paid to show me some cleaning techniques. Having spent most of the evening preparing to take delivery of my furniture and belongings at my new residence, and probably looking like it -- I was in need of a break and, wanting to help the lady out I figured... Let her do her schpiel and get paid. Why not right? I told her off the bat that I wasn't buying anything so hey, I'm not obligated!

Next thing I know she and her supervisor are dragging in this huge box and assembling a Kirby. (Mind you these things are like the best vacuums EVER.) So she did a demo (cleaning a bunch of stuff in my house, including my mattress so I'm not complaining) and the supervisor would pop in here and there to see how she was doing. Near the end of the demonstration the supervisor decided to take over (I thought she was doing a pretty good job so not sure why he dove in) and once finished attempted to sell me the product. I refused and refused, and said I'd consider, despite his attempts at the hard sell. By now it's after 11 and I see them to the door. The supervisor starts to thank me for my time of course, and for allowing them to come in so late. He then proceeds to turn towards me, says "I just have to give you a hug", and pulls me into this firm embrace. I was completely taken off guard! Once they left it occurred to me... That was completely inappropriate!

No really?!?! Sure, all salesmen hug their prospective clients goodbye! Ah-hem...

I fell off a curb...

That was the response I gave my doctor while he inspected my severely pained wrist and hand. "I wish I could say it happened in a glorious manner, but in actuality, I fell... off a curb." He paused, most likely to hold back the laughter, and said "Well, was it at least a spectacular fall?" "Yes, yes it was!" I replied. "And most importantly," he said, "did anyone see you?" "Oh yes! I fell right in front of a trucker who I'm pretty sure got a good laugh at the flurry of flailing legs and hair." "I'm sorry" he says "that's the worst part of it." "Well, I thought, the least he could have done was to stop and see if I was okay!" "Not around here" he quipped (apparently guys are rude in Charlottesville). For my troubles I wound up at the ER for 2 hours waiting to get x-rays only to find out that it was just severely sprained.

How Much For That Lady On The Lawnchair?

On my way out of a local department store I decided to make a quick telephone call. Instead of getting behind the wheel and distracting myself (don't you hate drivers that do that?), I made myself somewhat comfortable on a patio furniture display to make my call. As I started to dial the number, an unassuming gentlemen pushing a cart full of purchases paused long enough to ask - "Are you included in the price of the set?" "Excuse me," I replied, to which he gleefully repeated himself. I smiled back politely and tossed him a friendly "No, I'm sorry..." to which he responded "Oh, because I was going to run right back in for that bargain." After he was long gone I contemplated it and thought... Well hell yeah, I better be worth more than 499 bucks!!!

Give The Man His Beer

My Grandfather was admitted into the hospital on Easter Sunday. We're not quite sure why he collapsed - it could be a number of things from something serious, to a reaction from his medications. So they're testing him and trying to find out what's goign on--Meanwhile, they've told him that he's not allowed to drink anymore. Not suprisingly, he's refused.

Looking back, I can't remember a time when Grampa didn't have a beer in his hand. Family photographs are smattered with him clad in his "beer can" hat holding a 12oz of anything from P.O.C. (Pride of Cleveland beer), to Old Millwater or Beast. And he's always smelled like a mixture of aftershave, alcohol and hops, a combination that would smell less than sweet on another. He's outlived WWII, prostate cancer and bad lungs (yeah he won't quit smoking either), and has had a wonderfully full life. So why begrudge the man his two beers a day (or so he says) - how else is he to survive my commonly-dysfunctional family?

Kimmie the Klutz

Imagine this if you will...

Kimmie was doing her power walk, on the same path that she walks on... day in and out. On this occasion she was gabbing with her friend about proper walking procedure.

Suzie: "You have to walk with your butt, not your knees."
Kimmie: "I do! I am! Look at my butt! Look at my butt!!!" she yells over her shoulder, taking her eyes off the path just long enough to ensure that she'll catch the side of the asphalt, causing her ankle to roll outward and bring her right shin scraping down on the jagged edge of the walk. Now it should be noted that there is approximately a four inch drop in the asphalt at various parts of the path since "the association" (aka "the man") built up the path which Kimmie believes is the direct result of this, her third fall on the path. Kimmie now sports a 3x8 inch area along her shin, marked with almost immediate bruising. We love scabs. Scabs are great!!! They cause you to opt for cargo pants in place of that cute skirt on the first warm day of the year! Damn it!!!

Thought for the Day

It takes years to build up trust,
and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

Going on Record

I want to go on record and state that my love of all things Seuss has developed over many years. My affinity towards The Grinch started long before "the new Grinch" and I became enamored with The Cat way before Mike Meyers strapped on a tail.

Ted Geisel (his real name) is not only a childhood hero of mine, but the adult-child can still recite every word of "How The Grinch Stole Christmas" and such gems as "I meant what I said and I said what I meant. An elephant's faithful 100 percent". Seuss had a way of writing that was intriguing for children, but allowed for a certain amount of mischievousness and attitude that an adult cannot help but appreciate. And while I am thrilled that I can now purchase more Seuss related items to add to my collection of seussiphenalia (many of them sadly bearing the "official movie merchandise" seal) I'm torn between the blatant commercialism, (not to mention green and white Cat hat's emblazoned with pot leaves -- but we won't go there). The New Cat hawking cleaning products in a recent television commercial??  

It makes me lose sleep at night! 

I tell you, it's just not right!

Looking at herself but wishing she was someone else
Because the body of the doll it don't look like hers at all
So she straps it on, she sucks it in, she throws it up, and gives a grin
Laughing at herself because she knows she ain't that at all
All caught up in the trends
Well the truth began to bend
And the next thing you know man
There just ain't no truth left at all
--Jack Johnson from Posters

It's Just Wrong

What the hell! I dunno, maybe it's me, and my life-long love affair (in my own mind) with Rod Stewart... but it's kind of like this... There are a few artists that you just shouldn't cover. One of them is The Beatles. Another would be The Stones. Same with The Beach Boys (do I need to remind you of David Lee Roth's version of "California Girls"? Catchy? Yes. Wrong? Also yes.) And of course Rod. The only excusable Rod song to cover would be "Do Ya Think I'm Sexy" cuz that song is just LAME (even if I did love it when I was a kid), because I think that you can only improve on it. Then again, it was bad enough the first time around; I'd rather not relive it. Anyway... So Sheryl Crow decided to remake one of my all time favorite's "The First Cut Is The Deepest". And again I say... It's just wrong!

Kimmie's new favorite pick up line

"Hey, if you're feeling salty, I'm your tequila!"

So I'm sitting here this morning, trying to will myself awake and determine what type of mood I'm going to be in today, and I decide to check my mail (which could have been a big mistake, and a good way to ensure a crabby mood). But I was greeted with the following link, and now I know that my day is destined for greatness... and I have this sudden urge to go to a gay bar...
http://www.rathergood.com/gaybar/

Gooooo Browns!

Joey Porter: "Couch is running touch downs now?"

If you didn't get that, you weren't watching. But I'll leave you with this...

"The Browns jumped out to an early lead protected it with a swarming defense en route to gaining a 33-13 victory over the Steelers. Tim Couch threw two touchdown passes and ran for another as the Browns ended a six-game losing streak against the Steelers and improved to 2-3 on the season.
Couch threw touchdown passes to Andre’ Davis and Kevin Johnson in the first half as the Browns built a 23-10 halftime lead. Daylon McCutcheon’s 75-yard interception return for a touchdown in the third quarter was the dagger for Pittsburgh, who dropped to 2-3."

Who was that team? Where did they come from? Can we keep them? - So long as we don't get cocky, this was a GREAT shot in the arm!

What's With This Epilstop Schtuff?

Am I the only one that can't seem to use depilatories properly? I'm not sure WHAT my issue is, but I swear these things do NOT work on me. And they certainly don't wipe off super nice and clean like on those cruddy info-mercials. Sure, like I'm supposed to believe that guy gets the crud spread on his leg and poof... the hair has disappeared in mere seconds. Yeah right!

So, there's me balancing precariously on the side of the tub with this gunk slathered all over my legs, afraid to move. Ten minutes feels like an eternity when your bored to tears staring at the ring in your tub and realizing that any attempt to be productive by cleaning will result in your accidentally rubbing your legs together thus removing a good portion of the hair dissolving lotion. Yet I still wind up with what looks akin to male pattern baldness and still find myself razor in hand at the end of the process!

And as for their "Pleasant cucumber and melon scent". Yack... Horrible!!! No matter how you try and mask it, it still smells like a bad home perm! Again... beauty is pain!

I'm Sorry, You Must Have The Wrong Number

So I'm puttering around my office the other day, minding my own business, when my cell phone rings. This is the phone I generally receive calls on and I use for business purposes so it could have been just about anyone calling - though most of my friends/family/business associates know better than to call me too early because I can be rather unpleasantin the morning. But I walk over, notice that the number is blocked, figure it might be my younger brother, and I answer it:

Kimmie: "Hello?"
Caller: "Good morning gorgeous"
Kimmie: "Good morning?"
Caller: "How are you doing?"
Kimmie: "Okayyy? Who IS this?"
Caller: "You don't know who this is?"
Kimmie: "Well, I thought it was going to be my brother, but apparantly not. So, no. Who is this?" (laughing)
Caller: "Who do you know that's 6'2", weighs [whatever weight] and is hung 11 inches?"
Kimmie: (laughing hard) "No one!!!"
Caller: "You don't know anyone like that?"
Kimmie: (still laughing) "No, I really don't!"
Caller: "This is Nick, the stripper."
Kimmie: "Um, who are you trying to call?"
Caller: "Oh man, did I just make an ass out of myself?" (He scrambles to get the number, reads it off to me and finds it's off one digit"
Kimmie: "Well apparantly you have the wrong number".
Caller: "I'm sorry, I was trying to call my X girlfriend that I ran into recently."

All We Are Is Dust In The Wind.... Dude!

No one, but no one should ever be forced to listen to "Dust In The Wind" when they're feeling weepy. --That's just depressing!!!

Try this instead...

I burn, burn like a wicker cabinet
Chalk white and oh so frail
I see our time has gotten stale
The tick tock of the clock is painful
All sane and logical
I want to tear it off the wall
I hear words and clips and phrases
I think sick like ginger ale
My stomach turns and I exhale

So callus where my mind states
But it's not my state of mind
I'm not as ugly sad as you
Or am I origami
Fold it up and just pretend
Demented as the motives in your head

I alone am the one you don't know
You need to keep for your ego
Make me blind when your eyes close
Sink when you get close
Tie me to the bedpost
I alone am the one you don't know
You need you don't you need me
Make me blind when your eyes close
Tie me to the bedpost

I would swallow my pride
I would choke on the rind
But the lack thereof
Would leave me empty inside
Swallow my doubt
Turn it inside out
Find nothin' but faith in nothing
Wanna put my tender
Heart in a blender
Watch it spin round to a beautiful oblivion
Rendezvous, then I'm through
Now I'm through with you
Through with you
Rendezvous then I'm through with you

from Eve 6's "Beautiful Oblivion"

"Unwell" – Matchbox 20

All day, staring at the ceiling
Making friends with shadows on my wall
All night, hearing voices telling me that I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something
Hold on. Feeling like I'm headed for a breakdown
And I don't know why

(Chorus)
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay a while and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be... me

Talking to myself in public
Dodging glances on the train
And I know, I know they've all been talking 'bout me
I can hear them whisper and it makes me think
There must be something wrong with me
Out of all the hours thinking somehow I've lost my mind

(Chorus)

I've been talking in my sleep
Pretty soon they'll come to get me
Yeah they're taking me away

(Chorus)

Yeah how I used to be
How I used to be, yeah
I'm just a little unwell

From The "Oh Good God" Department

Did I really witness Mariah Carey doing a remake of "Bringing On The Heartbreak"? No, I mean for real!?!?

That on the heels of the Ataris' version of "Boys of Summer", which I still haven't fully recovered from.

Make it stoooopppp!